Australian Tourism Questions

Well, I’ve just gotten home from my first ever live soccer game. If it wasn’t clear before why this game is not much of a spectator sport in America, it sure is now. A 0-0 tie. How terribly exciting. At least in hockey, they are trying to crush each other. And let’s face it, a 0-0 hockey game is pretty rare and with the new rules this year, even more so. Although I still had fun (I was invited by a guy from the office), I don’t think I’ll be pining for any soccer for awhile.

Anyway, I was given a list today of some interesting questions that were asked of Australian Tourism officials during the Sydney Olympics. I’m not sure that all of the responses are real, but I don’t doubt that the questions are. Either way, it’s a good laugh.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney. Can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, but take lots of water. It’s about three thousand miles.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes!

Q: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville, and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some info about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not…Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Thursday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (UK)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

I’ll be happy to explain any of the above that didn’t make sense to you or you don’t find funny for some reason My favorite must be the “which direction is north” question.